Feeling…conflicted

Sigh. I don’t even know how to start this.

God, it’s been a while since the blog has been updated. I haven’t had the desire to write any Kpop reviews for the past two months for some reason. A lot of things happened during the holiday season.

I’ve been feeling very lost and conflicted with myself. A lot of stuff happened in 2016, and I had a lot of plans and ideas in mind. But when you have family members coming in and out of your house one by one, plus you’re working in a place you really don’t like, everything just seems out of place.

I haven’t been feeling myself lately. Actually, I haven’t been feeling like myself for a while now. Ever since I graduated college in May, my mind is in a state of confusion, doubt, sadness. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck in a jail cell. I have a job that I really don’t like. AT. ALL. (It’s retail, so it’s not fun).

Over the past couple of months, I don’t have to drive to do much. Most of my days is spent going to work, putting in long useless hours, listening to people complain about their purchases, etc. After a long day at work, I just come home and knock out. I haven’t had the drive to write any Kpop reviews at all. I always tell myself that on my off days, I’ll finally write. But I never get to it.

For the most part, after work, I sit behind my laptop, listening to Kpop. It usually calms me down when I’m feeling sad or not myself.

There were some instances last month where I broke out into quiet tears by myself because I wasn’t happy with where my life was going. I hate my job, most of my friends are in grad school, some got a job in their field. Meanwhile, I’m here working in retail, struggling, begging for someone to give me a better job.

Certain thoughts run through my head. Am I going to be stuck in retail for the rest of my life? Will I ever make it in the media world? Did I choose the right career path? Should I have studied something else? Why do I feel worthless? Why am I not getting any job offers? What am I doing wrong? Did I make a mistake?

These questions run through my mind a lot nowadays. I think about how I can change the style for this blog. Should I try to start a podcast regarding Kpop or should I be like everyone else and start a YouTube channel? Sigh. At this point, I don’t even know what to do.

I don’t know what this year holds out for me. I’ve been going back and forth on whether I should change the direction of this blog, or continue with the theme. I don’t know if I should attempt to restart my YouTube channel again. But what will I talk about? Well, I guess time will tell. Whatever falls into my lap, I will be ready to take it on and grab it by the horns.

 

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